Tag Archives: #Liane’sLife

Panic

I haven’t written here for a while. I have been focusing my writing talents on my Literature Review (almost done!) and my healthy living blog site. But today, I experienced this panic that just swelled up and took me over. As I am aware of my own worrywart mind, I hoped that writing this out would help the panic to abate and leave me with a sense of peace. We’ll see.

I’m not returning to school with children and friends on Tuesday September 8. This year, it is not due to a strike, but to personal choice. For those who don’t know, I am fortunate to be in a district that offers a paid education leave. I am taking 4 months away from the classroom to finish this Masters degree without my energy being split in 4 different directions. I know, deep down, that is the right thing to do. I know the exhaustion of September in Kindergarten, and I know that my health will be better for the leave. I really do understand that.

But……

Someone else is in my classroom. She is awesome and lovely and will be fantastic. But someone else is setting up a space that has been mine for the past 3 years. I want her to feel at home there, and to feel like it is hers, but I am not good at giving up control.

I see the posts people are putting up and I love seeing the classrooms all ready for kids to excitedly come into. Clean, shining rooms, with fantastic furniture arrangements, teacher desks being removed (Yay!), books readied, playdough being made.

I’m jealous. I miss it. I miss the rush of knowing that a whole new group of kids is coming in to see the space I have tried to make welcoming and warm. I miss chatting with my school friends about our summers, and how we are hoping for the best this year. I miss looking around that room and thinking of what potential it holds for this new group of munchkins that I have never met. I may even miss the panicked night before sleep.

I’m going to be there for part of the first day because I just cannot stay away from my littles from last year on their first day of Grade 1. I want to see how they have grown and hear their tales of adventures. But I’m going out of town for the rest of the week. I thought it would be for the best, so that I am not sitting in my house trying to focus on my project, but really wondering how they are doing. I am leaving so that I don’t go in everyday just to see how it’s going. I’m hoping that it will help. I hope.

People may think it odd, but there will be tears for me this September. I realize that my role as teacher and member of this wonderful school is really such a large part of who I am. I’m afraid that I may be a little lost this fall, without the school family there to help ground me.

So, yes, my anxiety is high, my panic is there as we creep closer to the first day. But, four months will go fast, right?

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Week One, Part One, Chapter One

FYI: This will also be seen on my personal health journey blog, Not In A Blue Box. So if you happen to subscribe to both, my apologies for the repeat.

In a previous blog, somewhere, I mentioned that I had been given the gift of a book called Full-Filled by Renee Stephens, but was finding i challenging to find the time to sit down and actually begin the process. This past week, I finally got down to it. As a part of my EDCI course, I have been trying to work on and write about #lianeslife, a little project to get myself into a better state of being. This first chapter, or Week One, certainly got me thinking.

Week One is titled: Creating Motivation for Lasting Change. I haven’t completed all of the “Dig Deep” assignments in the chapter yet, as I thought I would do a couple at a time and write about them here. What I did do was read the chapter and then listen to the corresponding podcast here. I picked up a journal in Victoria to record my thoughts and deep diggings in, but I tell you, this first week got me a little down as the ice bucket of reality water hit me in the head. The first bit of digging I had to was to look at the behaviours I want to change. I never realized how much I didn’t like what I do. I knew I didn’t like how I was, but this exercise had me really looking at what I don’t like about my food, physical activity and physical being. I won’t print the whole list up, but here are my highlights:

  • I snack all evening, especially when I am sitting down after dinner.
  • I really dislike the formal idea of exercise.
  • I buy healthy foods, but find reasons not to cook, especially on a weeknight,
  • If I’m sad, I eat something fatty like cheese.
  • If I’m happy, I eat something sweet like candy or dessert.
  • If I’m stressed I eat anything unhealthy. The more salt the better.
  • Most of my pictures on my camera are of delicious foods I have eaten, not people
  • I hate looking in the mirror.
  • I will not go swimming which I used to love.

Ms. Stephens than asked me, the reader, to think about the symptoms I have due to my weight issues, and to write those down. The list is, again, long but eye opening for myself. The highlights:

  • Doing physical activity actually hurts, and makes me feel even more awkward and clumsy
  • I get out of breath quickly
  • I won’t date
  • I hate having my photo taken
  • I apologize to people all the time for being in their way
  • Surgeon told me I would die early because of the weight
  • Tire easily when playing with my students or with my friends’ kids

She asked us to think about who we are affecting with these symptoms and behaviours. That was hard for me as I don’t have kids or a partner. I thought a lot about my friendships and how the weight I carry has affected them. It has. I have been jealous of those who have lost the weight and have longed to have their motivation. I have avoided certain social functions because I don’t like how I look or because I don’t have anything flattering to wear. I try not to be “overweight” with my students, and I model good healthy eating with them, and try to be physical activity, but even they recognize that their teacher is fat. (Yep, one of them very innocently told me that I was.)

I know. This sounds like a depressing beginning to the plan, doesn’t it? It was a real slap in the face to me that I thought these ways and felt like this, but once I had written it down, there it was. No turning back. I know that next parts of the books, and I hope the next podcast, are about the “Towards” and “Away From” motivation. I look forward to reading about those and finding my motivation.

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It’s Dangerous To Go Alone!

One of my all time favourite video games is still The Legend of Zelda. There was always something about Link, heading off on a quest, that called to me. There were puzzles to colve, worlds to explore, battles to be fought with bow and arrow, sword and shield. In the old version of Zelda, there was a character who would say “It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this!” and he would give Link a sword. My friend gave me a great bookmark for my recent birthday with this saying on it:

As I have made a commitment to work  on “Liane’s Life”, I decided to use this bookmark as inspiration. I’ve had a book by Renee Stephens and Samantha Rose called “Full-Filled” for almost 9 months now, and I have wanted to sit down and read it. But as many of know, time slips away and the actions of life get in the way. When I decided to drop the MOOC for my EDCI 569 course, I thought I could focus on this book. I could read it and really have some space to get down to the root of my dysfunctional relationship with food. That hasn’t happened. I’d love to say that reading this book would teach me a new skill, but I know that I won’t get through this 6 week plan by the time my course is over, and I know that sitting down to read each week will be a struggle. I will try. I really, really will. I’ll also do my best to blog about what I am realizing. Some of the posts may be on my other blog, Not In A Blue Box, but I will link to them here. For now, I am going to read Chapter 1 of Full-FIlled, buy a journal as the introduction suggests, try to reach my 10,000 steps a day and drink a cup of hot water with lemon every morning. (Long story)

It’s dangerous out there! Emotional turmoil ahead, health hazards with every step. SO i’m going to go ahead, and take this book. 

I really need to read this. Time to shed some emotional eating habits.

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Failure Is Not An Option

Kranz at his Console

ConsoleKranz” by NASA Licensed under Public Domain

“Failure is NOT an option” is a phrase I remember from my teen years. The movie Apollo 13 came out in 1995, two years before I would graduate from high school. Hearing Gene Kranz, played brilliantly by Ed Harris, utter those words stuck with me. (To be fair, the phrase was written for the move; Kranz admits he never said it.)  At the time, I was preparing for entrance into University, I was determined and I had been conditioned to believe that failure was a shameful thing. Fast forward a couple of decades, and I still struggle with the idea of failure. I love the new acronyms being posted online for the word FAIL; First Attempt At Learning is probably my favourite one. I, however, haven’t managed to master that mindset.

In the middle of February, Tiegrad classmate, Jake Main did something I found incredibly brave. He admitted that he was overwhelmed. He put into words, the feelings that I have been struggling with since the end of January.  I had decided to take up a MOOC this semester as a learning project for EDCI 569. The MOOC itself is one about MInecraft for Educators. What I have found time to read and learn about MIneccraft has been interesting and educational, but I realized by the end of week 2, that all of my time was going into MInecraft. That is not my focus right now. I was spending the time allotted for 569 and 515 (my courses for the term) reading Minecraft, watching videos on Minecraft and trying to keep up with the conversations and community on the MOOC. When I got sick in January, I realized something fundamentally important. I simply cannot do all of this.

I ran away instead of facing my overwhelming feelings that I was a failure. I started watching Star Trek: TNG during my illness, and I continued to escape into that for at least an hour every evening. I started to play my absolute favourite computer game, SIMS 3, again. I escaped the overwhelming reality by running away into “happy places” and then had pangs of guilt later for not dealing with my reality. I even considered dropping out of the MEd program so that I could go back to a reality where I didn’t feel confused, lost and overwhelmed. My classroom became, for those 2 weeks in February, the only place I felt in control. Then I had THE day. As a Type 1 Diabetic, everything exploded. My blood sugars had a 24 hour period fo rampant 20’s. They should be between 4-10. I had high ketones, a condition called ketoacidosis was close to occurring. I “woke” up when my endocrinologist called with real concern for my readings.  My body was telling me something: Get It Together!

I’ve taken a week to really think about what I am doing and where I am at. I am not willing to drop out. I have worked too hard, made too many sacrifices and am enjoying the learning and camaraderie of my tiegrad cohort. But I am, despite the online presence of friends and the supportive words of my IRL friends, doing this on my own. I have no family to support me in my efforts, and I have to take care of myself first. SO I am dropping the MOOC, and I am releasing the guilt I feel and the sense of failure. I hope to take it again, when I have time to really investigate Minecraft and what can be done with it in a educational setting. I made a commitment to myself on August 20, 2014 and I’ve decided to recommit myself here. My Personal Learning Journey had begun before EDCI 569 started, but I was too scared to share it here with the people who I know will treat me gently. I know now that I need to share it here. I need to let my cohort into this part of my life see the other side of who I am. It’s not a FItbit journey, nor a meditative one, and it isn’t one about healthy eating. It’s my life journey.  My skill I’m learning isn’t just for 569, it’s for my life. So my new tag and my new category will be #Liane’sLife. I suppose the title could be: How Failure Became a Search for Balance. I hope you can help on my journey.

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