I haven’t written here for a while. I have been focusing my writing talents on my Literature Review (almost done!) and my healthy living blog site. But today, I experienced this panic that just swelled up and took me over. As I am aware of my own worrywart mind, I hoped that writing this out would help the panic to abate and leave me with a sense of peace. We’ll see.
I’m not returning to school with children and friends on Tuesday September 8. This year, it is not due to a strike, but to personal choice. For those who don’t know, I am fortunate to be in a district that offers a paid education leave. I am taking 4 months away from the classroom to finish this Masters degree without my energy being split in 4 different directions. I know, deep down, that is the right thing to do. I know the exhaustion of September in Kindergarten, and I know that my health will be better for the leave. I really do understand that.
Someone else is in my classroom. She is awesome and lovely and will be fantastic. But someone else is setting up a space that has been mine for the past 3 years. I want her to feel at home there, and to feel like it is hers, but I am not good at giving up control.
I see the posts people are putting up and I love seeing the classrooms all ready for kids to excitedly come into. Clean, shining rooms, with fantastic furniture arrangements, teacher desks being removed (Yay!), books readied, playdough being made.
I’m jealous. I miss it. I miss the rush of knowing that a whole new group of kids is coming in to see the space I have tried to make welcoming and warm. I miss chatting with my school friends about our summers, and how we are hoping for the best this year. I miss looking around that room and thinking of what potential it holds for this new group of munchkins that I have never met. I may even miss the panicked night before sleep.
I’m going to be there for part of the first day because I just cannot stay away from my littles from last year on their first day of Grade 1. I want to see how they have grown and hear their tales of adventures. But I’m going out of town for the rest of the week. I thought it would be for the best, so that I am not sitting in my house trying to focus on my project, but really wondering how they are doing. I am leaving so that I don’t go in everyday just to see how it’s going. I’m hoping that it will help. I hope.
People may think it odd, but there will be tears for me this September. I realize that my role as teacher and member of this wonderful school is really such a large part of who I am. I’m afraid that I may be a little lost this fall, without the school family there to help ground me.
So, yes, my anxiety is high, my panic is there as we creep closer to the first day. But, four months will go fast, right?