Week One, Part One, Chapter One

FYI: This will also be seen on my personal health journey blog, Not In A Blue Box. So if you happen to subscribe to both, my apologies for the repeat.

In a previous blog, somewhere, I mentioned that I had been given the gift of a book called Full-Filled by Renee Stephens, but was finding i challenging to find the time to sit down and actually begin the process. This past week, I finally got down to it. As a part of my EDCI course, I have been trying to work on and write about #lianeslife, a little project to get myself into a better state of being. This first chapter, or Week One, certainly got me thinking.

Week One is titled: Creating Motivation for Lasting Change. I haven’t completed all of the “Dig Deep” assignments in the chapter yet, as I thought I would do a couple at a time and write about them here. What I did do was read the chapter and then listen to the corresponding podcast here. I picked up a journal in Victoria to record my thoughts and deep diggings in, but I tell you, this first week got me a little down as the ice bucket of reality water hit me in the head. The first bit of digging I had to was to look at the behaviours I want to change. I never realized how much I didn’t like what I do. I knew I didn’t like how I was, but this exercise had me really looking at what I don’t like about my food, physical activity and physical being. I won’t print the whole list up, but here are my highlights:

  • I snack all evening, especially when I am sitting down after dinner.
  • I really dislike the formal idea of exercise.
  • I buy healthy foods, but find reasons not to cook, especially on a weeknight,
  • If I’m sad, I eat something fatty like cheese.
  • If I’m happy, I eat something sweet like candy or dessert.
  • If I’m stressed I eat anything unhealthy. The more salt the better.
  • Most of my pictures on my camera are of delicious foods I have eaten, not people
  • I hate looking in the mirror.
  • I will not go swimming which I used to love.

Ms. Stephens than asked me, the reader, to think about the symptoms I have due to my weight issues, and to write those down. The list is, again, long but eye opening for myself. The highlights:

  • Doing physical activity actually hurts, and makes me feel even more awkward and clumsy
  • I get out of breath quickly
  • I won’t date
  • I hate having my photo taken
  • I apologize to people all the time for being in their way
  • Surgeon told me I would die early because of the weight
  • Tire easily when playing with my students or with my friends’ kids

She asked us to think about who we are affecting with these symptoms and behaviours. That was hard for me as I don’t have kids or a partner. I thought a lot about my friendships and how the weight I carry has affected them. It has. I have been jealous of those who have lost the weight and have longed to have their motivation. I have avoided certain social functions because I don’t like how I look or because I don’t have anything flattering to wear. I try not to be “overweight” with my students, and I model good healthy eating with them, and try to be physical activity, but even they recognize that their teacher is fat. (Yep, one of them very innocently told me that I was.)

I know. This sounds like a depressing beginning to the plan, doesn’t it? It was a real slap in the face to me that I thought these ways and felt like this, but once I had written it down, there it was. No turning back. I know that next parts of the books, and I hope the next podcast, are about the “Towards” and “Away From” motivation. I look forward to reading about those and finding my motivation.

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2 thoughts on “Week One, Part One, Chapter One

  1. pixiebertha says:

    I am in awe of your ability to write Liane and love the ‘rawness’ of this post. I was just talking to somebody the other day about the “Facebook” view on life, and that everybody’s lives seem to be perfect, when there are so many ‘behind the scene” issues. I completely support you and your journey and give you so much credit! You go girl!!!!!

    • Thanks, Tracey! I’ve really seen in the last couple of years, that if I can’t be honest about who I am and how I got here, than I can’t change what I want to change. And I really want to change what I see in the mirror. It isn’t always easy to write so honestly, but I told myself that it was for me, not for anyone else (although I do like it when people read my musings). I am so thankful for the support of my online community. It is huge!

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