I think the title says it all. I really wish I were a writer of great words. I have had so many big feelings, emotions, moments over the first week of Spring Break. I have laughed, marvelled and cried in my pillow because what I have felt is just so …. BIG. I haven’t been happy; I’ve been delirious with joy. I have cried tears, not of sadness but of utter and absolute despair. I can’t even say all of the reasons for these emotions. It just feels like the black cloud of depression which consumed February for me has led to this over stimulation of emotion.
Yes, I said it. Depression. I don’t know if I would be diagnosed with depression or if it just likes to find me every once in a while. I do know I couldn’t blog in February because there was absolutely no light in that month for me. I tried. I really tried to find a way out of the dark hole I was stuck in. I had happy times, but they would come crashing down and I would be set upon by thoughts of such utter negativity that I felt I was drowning in my own self loathing. I am not seeking your sympathy here, just stating it for what is was. Sleep was an escape. Chocolate made me feel something-usually a queasy stomach. I was angry all the time. I felt like there was nothing good about me.
I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. I wish I could say to people what pulled me out. I honestly don’t know. But I came out of it again. The world is whole again. And I FEEL. I am once again feeling the joy that I had pre-February. I have talked to strangers, even men (which I never do unless I know them). I have looked outside the shell that was me and seen the people around me again. I can breathe the fabulous, manure scented air around me and know in the soles of my feet that Spring is here. I am not a great writer of prose. If I were, I would be able to express each of these feelings in a manner they deserve. I wish I were a writer, but a rambler I will be.